May 28 2016
As predicted, Islamic political party PAS has unleashed it’s WMD – Weapon of Mass Distraction – after the Sarawak state election but before the coming by-elections in Sungai Besar and Kuala Kangsar. If you’re a Chinese or a Christian, are you furious that not only PAS supremo Hadi Awang presents his Hudud Bill, but he got it after PM Najib Razak helped him jumped the queue?
More importantly, if you’re a Malay-Muslim, are you exhilarated by the prospect that Malaysia will soon be transformed into a more Islamic state with Hudud law? Well, if the non-Muslims are crazily mad while the Muslims are fantastically excited, don’t be. It won’t get implemented simply because both Hadi Awang and Najib Razak aren’t serious about it, period. Here’s the drama script:
| Hadi: | Hey bro, congrats on your spectacular victory in Sarawak state election!
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| Najib: | Thanks bro, thanks for not playing hudud before the election.
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| Hadi: | No problem, boss. You help me, I help you (*grin*)!
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| Najib: | Damn, why did the helicopter have to crash? Now, I need to “korek (dig)” money for not one, but two by-elections.
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| Hadi: | Err, perhaps you can ask for more donation from your brother – Saudi – again (*sarcasm*)? Just kidding, boss.
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| Najib: | Stop pulling my leg. That bloody Wall Street Journal and Sarawak Report are still hustling me and my family. Luckily Obama is my golfing “kaki (buddy)” otherwise the FBI would have had arrested Riza (stepson) last year”.
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| Hadi: | So, what’s your plan for the twin by-elections? If you want, I can get my boys to do “something” and you can get Election Commission to disqualify them on technical grounds. Or I can pull them out after nomination closed and give you a walkover.
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| Najib: | No, that would be too obvious. Anyway, (opposition) DAP and Amanah are too smart to let us have a direct fight. I’m sure Amanah or PKR will contest because the Chinese voters don’t like you, I mean, PAS (*gulp*).
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| Hadi: | No worry, boss. If Pakatan Harapan (opposition pact) goes in, they would be condemned for not learning their lessons from Sarawak election. So, I’m confident they’re too chicken to create any three-cornered fight. As president of the Islamic party, the Malay-Muslims treat me like God and listen to me.
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| Najib: | You idiot! If those Malay-Muslims are so moron, they wouldn’t have kicked you out as Chief Minister of Terengganu after only 1-term, would they? Tell me, what issues can you use to attack my party, UMNO, if it’s only PAS-versus-UMNO in the by-elections?
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| Hadi: | Hmm …
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| Najib: | Are you going to attack me on 1MDB scandal? How about GST? Or my wife’s RM24 million diamond ring? Perhaps her collection of Hermes Birkin bags? Maybe my stepson’s unexplainable money in making “Wolf of Wall Street” movie, or his luxury apartments in America and mansion in Britain?
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| Hadi: | No, boss … Cool, boss … I wouldn’t dare do that … I’m just trying to help (*sad*) … Err, how about hudud?
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| Najib: | WTF!! No wonder even my below-average intelligent Rosmah told me your PAS will become PAST after the next election. Did you read the Merdeka Center poll? My approval rating has dropped to only 31% amongst the Malay voters, you moron!
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| Hadi: | So?
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| Najib: | So, it means if you flash the hudud card, half of 70% Malay voters who had voted for me before 1MDB scandal and GST taxes in 2013 will now go to your party. If that happens, it’s game over for UMNO. Do you want that to happen?
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| Hadi: | Of course not, boss. I don’t want PAS to win. I want UMNO to win. I want you to win. But if I don’t talk hudud, my party will have no issue to talk. UMNO is so perfect, you know (*sucking up*).
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| Najib: | I know. It would be weird if people go to your campaign but ended up hearing about how great a person I am. The Malays are not that clever but they are not dumb. We need to further split those who don’t like me.
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| Hadi: | I know, I know (*grinning*)!! We can get Azmin Ali (PKR Deputy President) to join and start three-cornered fights. The Malay votes will be split between PAS and PKR. Boss, your UMNO will still win.
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| Najib: | Yes, that’s precisely what I’ve in mind. You Whatsapp him to do according to the plan. But I am still worry about the Chinese votes. Can you remember how 90% of Chinese voters blindly voted for PAS in 2013?
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| Hadi: | Hahaha, who can forget those days? My party almost beat yours. We lost by 399-votes only in Sungai Besar. Those dumb Chinese actually thought I’ve forgotten about hudud.
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| Najib: | Enough bro, we’re not here to talk about how you scammed the Chinese. You make sure your boy Azmin joins the by-election. I’ve a feeling DAP will not support PKR and would get Amanah to contest too. Great! The more the merrier and the better chance UMNO gets to win.
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| Hadi: | OK, boss. But I’m afraid the Malays are immune about me yelling hudud everytime I need their votes. They saw through my gimmick. They need action, not empty talk. Are you ready to go hudud at the federal level?
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| Najib: | Of course not! Are you nuts? Nobody wants hudud? If the Malay Muslims really love hudud, you would have become the prime minister today, not me. You don’t want to see it become law too, do you?
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| Hadi: | Of course not! But hudud is a great tool to hoodwink the Muslim voters. Using hudud, I can even get them to trim my garden grass. They fear the God and I’m the closest to God they can get (*grin*). Whatever I say, they listen.
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| Najib: | Shut up and listen. Here’s my plan. I’ll get that lesbian Minister Lina to “fast track” your Private Hudud Bill. Then you give an excuse and postpone the readings and debates of the bill to the next sitting. Surely you can think of an excuse, can you not?
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| Hadi: | Great plan! When the next sitting starts in October, both by-elections in Sungai Besar and Kuala Kangsar would be over. People would forget about it. Even if they remember, we can give more excuses. Both you and me will be called “heroes” by our Muslim supporters. Hell man, the Malays who hate your 1MDB scandal and GST taxes might not leave you after all. Simply Genius!!
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| Najib: | Hahaha (*proud*), this is my fail-safe plan in case 80% to 90% of Chinese block of votes blindly go to PKR or Amanah. Well, actually it was my wife’s plan after consulting her bomoh (Malay Shaman). Look, I need your drama to look more convincing this time.
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| Hadi: | Why?
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| Najib: | Because, my brother, if this hudud drama can last for months, people would get diverted and forget about my 1MDB scandal. Heck, if the Malay-Muslims get fired up with hudud, they might even let me increase GST from 6% to 8%, or more for that matter.
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| Hadi: | Korek, korek, korek! Err, I mean, correct, correct, correct! You’re such a brilliant leader, boss. I’m so proud to serve under you. We just need to make the Chinese and Malays hate each other over hudud issue.
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| Najib: | Now you’re thinking with your brain instead of your toes.
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| Hadi: | Hey, wait a minute! How about your lapdogs MCA, MIC, Gerakan and even the Sarawak Christian parties? Surely they would be caught off guard and go bonkers.
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| Najib: | Relax bro, they would perform the normal SOP – either play dumb, pretend to be outrages or threaten to resign. Same old drama lah. Don’t tell me you don’t know how this is being done after decades in politics.
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| Hadi: | Hahaha, of course I know. Just because I wear a turban, you don’t “play-play” (fool around) with the drama queen, man. I bet DAP will scream till foam at the mouth when I kick-start the hudud drama.
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| Najib: | What do you plan to do then?
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| Hadi: | As usual lah. According to our SOP, I’m supposed to accuse DAP, MCA, Gerakan and any non-Muslims from Sarawak who criticise hudud law as “anti-Islam”. The obedient Malays will get offended and swing their support back to us – UMNO and PAS. We always win playing religion card.
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| Najib: | Hold on there. You give face to my lapdogs MCA and my fixed deposit Sarawak, OK. You just “hentam (attack)” DAP. The rest of my component parties would play their roles and pretend to be shocked and angry. But that’s all they could do. They still need my “Vitamin-M” – every month.
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| Hadi: | Hahaha! Money talks, boss. We’ve to thank Mahathir for dividing the Muslims and non-Muslims. Now, whenever I scream hudud, the Chinese will get angry while the Malays will get all fired up, ready to run “amok”. These fools are so predictable and controllable. (*cough, cough*)
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| Najib: | OK, enough of laughing there. Let’s go to sleep. I still need to Whatsapp MCA and Sarawak parties about this new drama so that they can fine-tune their acting skills. By the way, do you need new fund after my last cheque?
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| Hadi: | Yes, a little “donation” to grease “my machine” would be wonderful. Thanks Boss!!
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May 28th, 2016 by financetwitter
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